No Strings Attached or No, Just No.

    How does one pontificate on a piece of poop?  I mean scientists can do it, learning about evolution and adaptation all from studying scat.  New mommies do, smelling their babies bottoms, discussing poop patterns at new mommies clubs and calling the Doctor if poop is a different color.  Other than that there isn't much more to say or do save for the occasional potty joke.  Oh except for whoever wrote No Strings Attached.  They had a grand ol time pontificating on poop.  I'm not going to lie and say I didn't laugh, I did.  There's humor here, if period jokes and sad old man on drugs is your kinda giggle.  I cant even make up the fact I smiled at the ease of Portman and Kutcher then automatically frowned at the thought that my five dollars were helping to fill the pockets of two smug actors with enough work and enough money but they just really needed to do a film to show everyone what good friends they are and hey!  acting isn't all about plucking feathers from your skin and stabbing people!  Acting isn't just about gaining fans on twitter and marrying your moms fave actor from the 80s.  Acting is showing people you can feel real emotions like disappointment and betrayal, all in the form of a saturated, one note, predictable from the preview, waste of my time called No Strings Attached.  At the risk of seeming harsh I don't wanna say I didn't enjoy certain moments like oh my god Natalie Portman is gorgeous and Ashton is so dreamy.  To credit the writer there are some clever one liners, I also had a giant laugh over the fact the Cary Elwes was given a part with no lines and a beard.  I asked my friend later if perhaps Portman (executive producer) and Elwes are buddies and when he got wind of her E.P credit he begged for a paycheck.  Unless there's some sort of genius lost scene where Elwes spews a poetic confession of love to Portman in their mentor/student relationship.  Or perhaps another and more interesting film ending where Portman realizes she desires a quiet studious life with the silent doctor who fulfills her request with the one liner "as you wish."  Needless to say none of this occurred.  Cary Elwes had no lines.  Why couldn't they cast a struggling actor with a blond beard and save 10,000 on costs?  Back to the main point, don't pay to see this movie unless you're not on a budget or you can swing over to what we like to call The Ghetts on Victory and Coldwater where a ticket before 6 is $5.50.  Even $5.50 is a bit much to pay for a flinch of charm from some celebrities pretending to fall in love and indulging in almost way too personal sex scenes that seemed written simply for the sole purpose that Kutcher and Portman would get a chance to make out and get paid, in a mostly boring film that at the end of the day was just a big budget piece of crap.  Oh and while we're on the topic of potty humor, I will say this.  I had to pee the entire film.  Why you ask?  I didn't want to go to the bathroom and miss anything.  Take that as you wish.